Domestic Violence is a pattern of physically and emotionally coercive behaviors that one person uses to exercise power and control over another, particularly a dating or romantic partner or spouse.  Abusers may use verbal insults, emotional abuse, financial deprivation, threats, and/or sexual and physical violence as a way to dominate their partners and get their way.  Although domestic violence is more commonly seen primarily as physical abuse and battering, it can take many forms.  Examples of abuse are:

• Emotional Abuse – isolating, ignoring, terrorizing, exploiting, or verbally attacking the victim, apologizing and making false promises to end abuse, ridiculing, blaming and neglecting physical and/or emotional needs, spreading rumors or lies, and threatening to “out” the victim (e.g., as gay) or report victim to immigration/ICE, teaching children to yell at, disrespect, or demean the victim, destroying victim’s property/items that are meaningful to the victim
• Verbal Abuse – using harsh word to put the victim down and make them feel bad about themselves, yelling, name calling, threatening to hurt or kill, belittling, and degrading the victim
• Sexual Abuse – forcing victims to engage in sexual acts against their will, making constant sexual demands, sabotaging the use of birth control, wanting sex after abuse, forcing to have sex with others, forcing pregnancy or abortion
• Spiritual Abuse – not allowing the victim to practice her/his faith, forcing them to take on another faith, using sacred books or God to justify abuse, threatening to expose private or damaging information to faith community
• Financial/Resource Abuse – controlling financial matters, controlling how money is distributed, limiting or denying access to bank accounts, withholding child support, taking or disabling the car, demanding an explanation of how money is spent, harassing at work, prohibiting partner from getting a job or pursuing education, hiding or destroying visas or immigration papers
• Physical Abuse – hitting, slapping, punching, pushing, and pinching, strangling, kicking, refusing to help when sick, burning, pulling hair, holding down, and sabotaging access to medications or medical appointments, injuring pets as a threat to the victim

Power and Control Wheel
As illustrated in the diagram below, abusers use fear, oppression, and violence to control their partners.

Equality Wheel
We believe that everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they feel safe and are treated with respect.  The Equality Wheel is an example of behaviors that happen in a healthy relationship - one that is based on equality and mutual respect.  We recognize that relationships are not perfect, but in healthy relationships, both partners are striving to have a relationship that resembles the diagram below.

The Cycle of Violence

Relationships with abusers can be unpredictable, but some relationships follow patterns that may resemble cycles or waves.  Below is a diagram of the Cycle of Violence; the 3 phases are:

• The seduction/honeymoon phase, in which the abuser acts affectionately and apologizes for his/her violent behavior,
• The tension-building phase, in which the victim feels anxious as she/he awaits a violent eruption,
• The violence/eruption phase, in which the actual violence takes place. 

The cycles that take place in relationships can happen in this order, but don’t necessarily have to.  Over time, the cycles tend to be shorter and the eruptions become more extreme or violent.